were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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