You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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