Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
