speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
