what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
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My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
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Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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