when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
