Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
