he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
