Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
