He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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