i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
