??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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