I haven't been this sober since birth.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
porn star boner night. come get it.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
