As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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