I heard we made out
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
