the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
