I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
