My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize
