Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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