Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
