Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
