My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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