I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
