well I can't set my house on fire every night
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
