you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
