Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
