My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Randomize
