Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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