New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
