I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
being pregnant is like rehab
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
