woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
