tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
