I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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