i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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