just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
