You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
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