i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
