If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
we're making bets on your personal life
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
