I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
