In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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