Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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