one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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