had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
