My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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