worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
