dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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