Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
