I'm gonna have a badass scar
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
