Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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