my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
