Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
