There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
