I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
