I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
