I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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