God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
