Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
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My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
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Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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