I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
