It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
