Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
