i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
