as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
