You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
