i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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