I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
