shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
